


not talking about boys, I'm talking about girls

by insteadofjust_invisible



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, I'm not sure what to make of this to be honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:53:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23640373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insteadofjust_invisible/pseuds/insteadofjust_invisible
Summary: "She had always found Sara pretty, but lately she was having a harder time figuring out whether it was due to attraction - sexual or romantic attraction, again, she wasn’t sure - or due to the fact that Sara was objectively pretty. It was such a weird thing, to try and rationalize whether you found a girl pretty because you were interested in her or because she was just pretty..."a character study of Leonie realizing she likes girls
Relationships: Implied Leonie/Sam
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	not talking about boys, I'm talking about girls

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure what to make of this, so I hope Leonie is not too ooc and this is not just a whole lot of me projecting onto her.
> 
> Written for [Skam week.](https://grvywaren.tumblr.com/post/614308118050045952/one-skam-a-day-keeps-the-quarantine-sadness-away)
> 
> Title from Girls by girl in red

Leonie broke up with Jonas the summer before their second to last year at school and in the two years between then and now she hadn’t been into or with anyone else. Sure, there was David in their last year, but that had been more like a sudden infatuation than anything else and nothing had happened between them in the end. For the better too. She didn’t think much of it though. After all, she had studied with most of her classmates for years then, and there was the whole thing with Hanna, the parties she was part of the organizing committees, the abi prank, abi itself… She didn’t really have the time to think about it. No big deal. But then she started at university last September and three months into it there hadn’t been a single guy who had sparked her interest, despite there having been quite a few guys who had hit on her.

She doesn’t remember when or how she started to consider she might be gay. It might have been during one of her and Sara’s movie dates at one of their houses, when during the movie she had looked over at Sara at the exact right moment, the sunlight shining on her, highlighting the blue of her eyes and the blush of her cheeks. Sara had smiled at her too, all bright and lovely, and Leonie wasn’t so sure about anything anymore at that moment. She had always found Sara pretty, but lately she was having a harder time figuring out whether it was due to attraction - sexual or romantic attraction, again, she wasn’t sure - or due to the fact that Sara was objectively pretty. It was such a weird thing, to try and rationalize whether you found a girl pretty because you were interested in her or because she was just pretty… It might also have been during a rainy afternoon in October, when she took refuge at a coffee shop on campus to wait in between classes and forgot how to speak altogether when the barista, the raven-haired barista with a septum piercing and tattoo-covered arms, looked up from the register to ask her what she wanted. If ever since that day Leonie had gone back to that same coffee shop at that same time more times she could count, well, no one needed to know. Still, at one point Leonie did start to think about it and lately, that was all she could think about.

Surprisingly enough, it was Matteo who helped her come to the realization she was in fact gay. She had tried to talk to David about it first, but he had never really struggled with coming to terms he was pan, so that conversation had been almost utterly unhelpful. He suggested she talked to Matteo though, which only earned him an eye roll and a scoff, but then… Then it was 4am and she couldn’t sleep because her brain wouldn’t shut up about it. ‘Maybe you are gay’ it would say time and time again, almost mockingly. The tone might have astounded her more than anything else, because she did not have a problem with gay people. David was one of her best friends, for fuck’s sa-

Shit, no. That was not the right thing to say. She had no problems with gay people because what there was to have a problem with? They are people like everyone else. People like her. Yeah, definitely people like her, she thought sneeringly.

So at 4am on a Thursday, Leonie texted Matteo, asking him if he was up (she knew he would. David had been complaining he was going through another bounce of insomnia filled nights). The reply came almost immediately.

**Matteo**

**Last seen today at 00:47**

_yes…????_

I need to talk.

_David is sleeping_

I know.

I need to talk to you.

_I didn’t do anything_

Never said you did.

I need to talk to you about me.

_do you need me to call an ambulance? the police?_

No. David said I could talk to you.

_oh. ok…_

_what’s up?_

I think I might be gay?

_are you asking me?_

No.

I’m telling you.

I think.

How did you figure it out?

_I kissed a boy and I liked it_

Did you just quote Katy Perry to me?

_technically her song goes I kissed a girl and I liked it so maybe you should be quoting her to me_

Ha ha

I’m serious.

_so am I_

_I kissed David and I would have to be very stupid to doubt or question it after that kiss_

That must’ve been one hell of a kiss, uh?

_it was_

_but we are not talking about me_

_we are talking about you_

_do you have a crush on Sara?_

No???

Did you have a crush on Jonas?

_yes_

_but again we are not talking about me_

_so who do you have a crush on?_

Why do I need to have a crush on anyone?

_I don’t know,_

_just thought you wouldn’t have started questioning your sexuality without anyone in the game_

_I didn't_

There’s not a girl

At least I don’t think so

There’s not one girl, just… girls

_…_

I don’t know, I’ll see a girl and think she’s pretty

But then I don’t know if it’s because I’m into her or just because she is pretty

_I’m not sure how I’m needed here_

I’m not sure either

_I never looked at boys and just thought they were pretty without being into them_

_but I don’t know how this works for girls_

_Hanna and the girls are always calling each other pretty and they’re not gay_

_well Mia is_

_you could talk to her_

I don’t know Mia well enough

_and you know me well enough?!?_

Yes???

_ok what do you want from me, Leonie?_

Say I like a girl

am I gay because of it??

_usually yeah_

_fuck, Hans handled this much better than I_

???

_sure you could be gay, lesbian, bi, pan, whatever label you want to use_

_but you don’t have to worry about that now_

_if you like a girl_

_go for it_

That was surprisingly comforting.

_*success kid meme*_

🙄🙄

Thank you Matteo.

Good night.

Leonie and Matteo had known each other ever since they were ten years old or so and that was probably the longest conversation they had ever had, including the brief period of time during which Leonie and Jonas were a couple and Matteo was always third wheeling them. They were friendly enough, even when the whole thing with Hanna went down, but they have never had much in common to warrant actual conversations. She did hate him for a few weeks after he had led Sara on, but that was in the past. She could actually sympathize with him a bit now. She had never led anyone on purpose like he did with Sara, but she guessed she understood why he had done it, especially considering how all boys were able to talk about during high school was girls.

Despite her conversation with Matteo having put her a little bit more at ease, she still didn’t sleep that night. Instead, Leonie did what every young adult of respect questioning their sexuality did: she went on Google. She was smarter than taking a “are you gay?” quiz, in part because David had warned her that if she was questioning herself, high were the chances she did belong to the community in some way, but she did go on forums and read threads where people discussed their own experiences with questioning, figuring out, and embracing their sexualities and identities.

Like her conversation with Matteo, her readings soothed her, but did not answer all of her questions completely. It seemed that the most important question would go unanswered, at least for now. Deep down she knew she didn’t need a label to be part of the queer community, hell, even Matteo had told her so, but she wanted one. She wanted to belong. Leonie had always needed to be in control, so maybe she needed a label more than she wanted one.

With a sigh, Leonie closed her laptop and carefully slid it off the bed, stretching herself out. Her body felt tired, but her brain was still going a thousand miles an hour. This was not something to be resolved in a single night, especially considering how long she had been mulling over the question already.

And how much longer she would be mulling over it, from the look of things.

Things started to get back on track (not that they were ever out of the track, just… back under Leonie’s control. There you go.) a random afternoon at the end of the semester, close to Christmas, when she and Sara were having another one of their movie dates filled with greasy food and cheap wine. Sara was telling her a story about… Leonie wasn’t sure at that point anymore, but she was telling it very enthusiastically, very Sara-like, and she was mesmerized. By her smile, by her gestures as she spoke, a little wobbly for sure, by her spirit, so Leonie just spilled it out, interrupting Sara mid-sentence:

“I like girls.”

Sara blinked at her, more confused at the fact she had been interrupted than by what Leonie had told her. She nodded then, took a sip of her wine, another sip of her wine, and changed the topic of the conversation to gush over the girl Leonie liked. Not that there was necessarily one, but Leonie did tell her about the barista at the coffee shop, and the cute girl she had seen on campus the other day earlier that week, sitting outside on a rare sunny day for that time of the year. It felt wonderful to be able to talk about girls (!!!) with her best friend. To talk about their soft lips and their soft skins and how she wants to experience all of that with no shame, no secret, no regrets.

After admitting it to Sara, everything became easier and little by little Leonie tried to be more open about her sexuality. She would talk about girls with Sara and David (and even Matteo sometimes), flirt with the barista from the coffee shop, all in all she would just leave more clues here and there for people around her to pick up on it. Then, at a party at Matteo’s, reuniting all of their high school friends for Secret Santa, she came out to all of them to loud cheers and an opened bottle of champagne that Hans had claimed was just the perfect opportunity to open. Seeing her oldest friends react like that just bloomed that feeling of proudness that was starting to seed in her.

Leonie was sure she had never liked, _liked_ Sara. But now, seeing Hanna at the party, dancing with Jonas and teasing Matteo just like she had always done, she started to wonder if she had a crush on Hanna instead, once upon a time. She had recognized a while ago she might've overreacted with the whole Jonas situation and, if she was being honest, that was all because she had lost one of her best friends. She and Jonas hadn’t been together for long, it was both their first relationships, they were young, she had never expected it to last forever. But her friendship with Hanna? That she had expected to last forever, and maybe a teeny tiny part of her had expected for something else to happen between them in the future. Either way, knowing these things now were just for her peace of mind, just like that text conversation with Matteo that she had never really needed, or that night she had spent googling what it was like to be queer, but she had wanted to do all of this things. It helped her. Because that was who Leonie was: methodic, organized, in control. When she knew things, she could be confident over who she was, what she did, and what she wanted.

And one thing Leonie knew for sure now, that she wanted right now? She liked girls and Sam was right there, so beautiful and cheerful and oh ~~boy~~ _girl_ , she was ready to shoot her shot. Pushing herself off the wall she was leaning against, Leonie started to make her way to the other girl at the dance floor.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Come say hi to me on my [tumblr!](https://aspeckof-stardust.tumblr.com/)


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